moon_wolfsbane (moon_wolfsbane) wrote in femme_ftm,

Clueless and New ...

Ok, an introduction to begin with, I think ..

I guess I should start by saying that my name is Lacy, and I am 25 years old, and since I was 8, I have felt as if I did not belong. Of course, when I was young, my Mum and the rest of my family insisted that I was simply a tomboy, that I would grow out of the 'phase,' and get over it. Mum bought me makeup, and dresses, barbies and all of that other crap. It never once mattered to her that none of it interested me, as she insisted that I should be just like she was at my age. She could not see what it was like to be me.

I spent my entire life wondering why I felt trapped in my own body. I lived a rather sheltered life, grew up in a small town on the edge of the Bible Belt, in good ol' intolerant Texas. It means that I didn't even know what gay was until my mid-teens. Gay, bisexual, transgender, lesbian, they were all terms that were kept out of just about every household in the neighborhood where I grew up. So, I never understood why having breasts made me feel wrong, why I felt so disconnected from my body that I could not connect with the rest of the world!

In fact, it wasn't until around 2007 that I came to understand what was affecting me. I ordered a DVD, and ended up with the movie Transamerica, instead. It was the first time I had ever heard of people feeling like one gender trapped inside of another. I broke down crying for almost half an hour after I finished that movie, because I realized that I wasn't a freak, I wasn't bad, or wired wrong, or anything else .. I was just .. born wrong. And I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, but I guess most of you will understand what I mean. I tried to explain to my friends what Gender Dysphoric was, and I would use the term born wrong, and they all made me feel disgusting and horrible for thinking that. I tried to commit suicide more than once, and got to the point where I simply locked myself in, afraid to talk to anyone for fear of them finding out what kind of 'weirdo' I was.

I have posed part of that in another LJ, but I guess I figure I should introduce myself here as well. Sorry if it seems like rambling. The other thing I wanted to post here is actually a question, and I guess I know that it might be sort of complicated, and might have an in-depth answer, but I don't know where else to ask, as it is not something I could get information about in the area where I live.

So, here it is .. what are the actual steps toward gender reassignment? I mean, where does one start getting information, or who does one turn to?
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