twigletzone (twigletzone) wrote in femme_ftm,

Has anyone else had this..?

OK seriously guys, I'm completely confused by what's going on in my head at the moment. If any of you have any perspectives or experiences to share, hit me. I have my next appointment at the gender clinic in a couple of weeks, and this should finally be the one at which I get my referral for top surgery. Problem is - I've never been one of those guys who hates his boobs. In fact, I've kind of learnt to like them over time. They sure as hell made me popular with the boys before transition. In the absolute, most basic sense, then no, they're not part of me, and sometimes if my exes paid too much attention to them I'd find myself getting very detached and losing interest in what was going on - but I know who I am now, and I can explain about that to anyone new.

And yet I'm sat here right now in girls' jeans and a bra instead of a binder, having spent the last week really missing being a girl. I went round to my old house today and retrieved a few bits and bobs of girl stuff from the attic to wear around the house.

What. The heck?! I've never needed anything in my life so much as transition - I had this gut-deep drive to do it and now I have an equally incomprehensible urge to femme out. I don't get it. I've always known I'm going to miss being a girl, but is it really possible I've gone this long without realising I'm not completely male-identified? I know people have phases in their gender journey but I really just can't get any kind of answer out of myself about top surgery that feels like it goes to the heart of the matter. I genuinely don't *know*, and that's freaking me out because of what it implies about my identification. Halp..?
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Plenty of trans guys keep their chest meats. Nothing wrong with it, doesn't make you any less trans male. You also sound like you could possbily be genderqueer or genderfluid.
Genderfluid might be a possibility, it's crossed my mind before... the problem is that I feel like it's something society has done *to* me, not anything I chose. If I'd grown up a cis guy I'd have learnt how to manage being a guy with a strong feminine side, but still express it in a way that fits the masculine range. But as I am, I spent thirty years being told I *was* female and learning how to express that side of myself *as* female, and now I don't know how to do anything else. It's like that side of me spent so long living as a woman it's actually got stuck that way.
That line of thinking sounds...incredibly familiar. No way to ever know for sure aside from trying it the other way, though...not that you're not already way more brave and further down the transition path than I, of course.
I've been most of a year on T, in fact. And most of the time I like the changes, apart from when I hate the beard and the body hair because I miss being touchable and soft.

I tried wearing drag once before I was on T and it just weirded me out because it erased everything masculine about me - I literally turned straight back into a girl. But if I do it now, it does't erase my masculinity so completely, and I'm much more comfortable with that somehow.
I wear "girl" clothes, and bras, sometimes. I just like to. It can be fun. For me, it doesn't invalidate my identity, and I don't think you should feel any less male just because of what you randomly felt like wearing one day. I mean, maybe subconsciously you just wanted to give your chest one last run of appreciation before your appointment?

Getting your referral also doesn' t mean you HAVE to go ahead and get top surgery if you decide that maybe it isn't for you. I had an appointment with a surgeon, and then realised I'm much happier being non-op for now. Or conversely there's no reason that being genderfluid should prevent you from getting surgery if that's what you need to be happy with yourself.

Maybe you could become a drag queen? The world needs more fabulous ftm queens. :p
Drag queen doesn't feel right, somehow. It's about overblown fake femininity, whereas the femininity I have seems to be very simple and genuine. And it's not that I think it makes me less male... it's just that I thought I had my identity sorted and now it's blowing up in my face *yet again*...
There's a possibility, I guess, that you could be a genderqueer transguy (I identified as one for a while). On the other hand, you could just be a crossdresser. Try out terms and see which ones fit you best, don't just try to shoehorn yourself into one category before you completely realize who you are.

And yeah, some transguys don't have top surgery-though it's VERY strongly recommended if you have boobs that aren't tiny, as if you keep them and take T you'll have a very high chance of breast cancer.
Breast cancer? That's not a scare story I've ever heard before... and I thought it was oestrogen that tends to raise your risk of that. Do you know where you heard about that?

Of the crossdressers I've known, very few of them seem to really identify as part-female in the way I do, and they certainly don't think of their female persona as something that has a right to a voice in their everyday lives - quite the opposite. They compartmentalise it heavily and often don't let it leave the house. I really don't want to be so ashamed of the female life I had before I transitioned.

But like I was saying to lyght above, I also don't feel that female is something I identify as *by nature*, just in and of who I am, which is what I think of genderqueer as meaning. Firstly I don't seem to work like the genderqueers I know of - there are a *lot* of genderqueer types in my local trans community, there's something about this town that seems to attract them, and most of them seem to feel gender just doesn't apply in their case. I very much feel it does apply to me, it's just that my gender seems to have a split personality. (As do a couple of other aspects of my identity).

I feel like the gender situation I've got is something I've ended up with because I grew up in a world that couldn't comprehend me as male. So it kept on telling me that forming a female identity was fine. If I'd been a cis guy I might have just had a strong feminine side, and learnt how to express that in a masculine way - maby I might have been genderqueer, or a crossdresser. But because I was brought up as a girl, my feminine side got so much validation it's almost become a person in its own right, and that doesn't seem the same thing.
It might not have been breast cancer-I just remember reading somewhere that keeping your 'female' sex organs (of which breasts are a type) while taking T for a long time can end really badly.

I found something about it on one of the Tumblrs I follow (, though I don't think that's where I first read it.

I was thinking there was a decent chance you were just feminine-but it seems you're more complicated than that. There's a possibility that you're genderfluid-and you might also want to look into healthy multiplicity/medianity and see if that describes you. It's not particularly gender-related, but it seems to fit. I'm a median, and I experienced something a bit like what you're describing for a while.
For some reason LJ's labelled this comment as "suspicious". Don't like people linking to their competitors - typical.

You're the second person to mention medianity to me. I have a friend who's multiple (and also FTM, come to that) and he said the same. I don't seem to fit the definition of true multiplicity - I never lose time and there doesn't seem to be any loss of communication between my different aspects. From what I've read so far (which isn't much), in some ways medianity seems to be an excellent model for how I tend to function - rather like a committee - but unless I'm misinformed I'm not sure how it accounts for the massive part my gender history seems to play in this particular problem.

Can you recommend any good resources where I could learn more about it?
I strongly recommend Astraea's Web when it comes to information about that. It was the first place I went, and it basically helped me a lot. I also recommend talking to the Loonybrain/Baaingtree system, who you can find on dA-Rogan, a member of their system, is the co-owner of the b00b-b-gone group on there (which is a really awesome trans group BTW, and one of the few that's open to multiples), and all but one of the system members are trans in some way, so they'd probably have some advice. Specific information on medianity is really hard to find, but most sites on multiplicity have at least a bit of info.
Thanks... I think I've read the Astraea's Web thing before, ages ago, when I first tripped over multiplicity purely by accident. And it comes up on google pretty high too. I guess I should dig up my dA account again, then.

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I don't think it's society that makes you feel this way.

Odd, since I'm not the only person who feels that way about my gender identity. Don't judge me, thankyou.

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Oh, we're doing opinions, are we? In that case, I'll give you mine. You're an arsehole. This is a support community. People ask questions in support communities because they are having a difficult time. You can try to be sensitive even if you don't agree, or you can be a judgemental twat. You, just so we're totally clear, are being a twat. If you can't say anything helpful, why not try the unprecedented tactic of keeping your bloody mouth shut? I hate to tell you, Mr President, but you are neither important nor useful to everyone on the Internet.

And once you've finished trying that worldview out for size, you can take that tasteless piece of sexist crap masquerading as your userpic and stuff it up your backside, too. I have no idea what anyone as crass as you is doing in a femme community to start with.