twigletzone (twigletzone) wrote in femme_ftm,
twigletzone
twigletzone
femme_ftm

Has anyone else had this..?

OK seriously guys, I'm completely confused by what's going on in my head at the moment. If any of you have any perspectives or experiences to share, hit me. I have my next appointment at the gender clinic in a couple of weeks, and this should finally be the one at which I get my referral for top surgery. Problem is - I've never been one of those guys who hates his boobs. In fact, I've kind of learnt to like them over time. They sure as hell made me popular with the boys before transition. In the absolute, most basic sense, then no, they're not part of me, and sometimes if my exes paid too much attention to them I'd find myself getting very detached and losing interest in what was going on - but I know who I am now, and I can explain about that to anyone new.

And yet I'm sat here right now in girls' jeans and a bra instead of a binder, having spent the last week really missing being a girl. I went round to my old house today and retrieved a few bits and bobs of girl stuff from the attic to wear around the house.

What. The heck?! I've never needed anything in my life so much as transition - I had this gut-deep drive to do it and now I have an equally incomprehensible urge to femme out. I don't get it. I've always known I'm going to miss being a girl, but is it really possible I've gone this long without realising I'm not completely male-identified? I know people have phases in their gender journey but I really just can't get any kind of answer out of myself about top surgery that feels like it goes to the heart of the matter. I genuinely don't *know*, and that's freaking me out because of what it implies about my identification. Halp..?
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