talen_envy (talen_envy) wrote in femme_ftm,

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Ahh gosh, I'm a little bit nervous about this, first time talking to others who understand my situation.

Well, it's nice to meet you, I'm 19 and I'm an English lass myself, and I'm also not sure what I am, genderqueer, FtM..it's all rather complicated to me. So I'll just be blunt, though I'm physically female I'm mentally male, albeit effeminate. Also I'm a lesbian myself, or rather straight, I'm not sure about my pronouns yet! Ah yes, that's me in my icon, the dark haired one and my very supportive BFF. It's not very flattering I admit.

Ahh it's all so hard, years ago I realised I could never have the complete surgery, being physically male..to me that would be everything and I've built it up in my head and if, after the surgery I wasn't happy? How on earth would I cope? So I suppose that's my own fear and cowardice stopping me. However when I first realised what I was and who I was becoming I talked to my Mum, alot. Alas at the time she couldn't understand and she wouldn't try to understand and she wouldn't get therapy with me. She compared my situation to her being fat. She said she had a daughter, not a son and all that tripe. Anyway, I let it go. How could she begin to understand afterall? And I just resigned myself to being one masculin lady for the rest of my life, however about a year after our 'talk', I can't remember how it happened but I had a total crying breakdown in front of the family. Luckily my family are pretty friggin' incredible and they accepted me, I remember my Granpa hugging me and saying 'we love you no matter who you are'. The man always knows what to say.

Times have changed and about 5 years have passed since then and I thought I had 'fixed' myself, come to terms with it despite no therapy and all but recently? Total regression, I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying half the damn time and as I cross-dress alot sometimes I'll catch glances and I look like ME. How I should look, physically male me. And now I can't cope alone anymore, so I'm off to university soon where I'll be seeking therapy aswell as education, also times have changed for my family, recently my mum and I were walking around the town talking about trans-gender topics and my situation obviously came up. She started talking about how she used to hate looking in mirrors and despised her body when she was over-weight and I mentionned that I live each day like that and she replied 'I can't imagine it, you can always lose weight, you can't grow a penis.' Not exactly eloquent but true. She's coming with me to have my hair lopped off (again) I tried growing it out but it's not me, I miss my wierd Mr Spock/pixie cut. She's also spoken about how to decrease my unfortunately large bossom, I'm starting with sports bras and then I not sure, I want flat-flat, could I have some suggestions on that my dears? I have such a female body shape, it's so damn annoying, if only I could be more androgynous, I really hate my breasts, I can't stand people looking at/or touching them. Oh and just to mention, I've kinda made my mum seem really horrid but actually she's as supportive as can be; hell she was happy when I told her I was gay and  I think she was just confused when I first brought up gender identity.

There are still days where I want to be girly and I'll go out in a skirt (with shorts underneath, and a waistcoat) but a skirt nonetheless. And other days where I crossdress and act like a really typical slouchy man. I'm not sure about a name change yet, I mean - you may aswell know. My name is Georgina but I've been known as George since I was about 10, so male name sorted, already called by one. A bit annoying actually, I prefer Nicolai or Francis...I'm thinking about asking my family to refer to me as male, they've already asked if I would prefer that and now..I think I would! Ha, just being able to write this without worrying about what my friends'll think has made me so happy!
On that note I'll add that I confuse my friends, they're all so supportive but at the same time they can't relate, apart from one MtF friend, you can imagine how our conversations go! And we both started off just thinking we were gay!  All this is very rambling and I'm sorry about that! It all just spewed out. In short I'm re-thinking this surgery idea, but it's early days, I've yet to even see a therapist or whatever.

Ahhh I'm terrible at introductions! I'm really sorry this all just came out but for the first time talking with other people who can actually relate, I'm excited and very nervous.
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